3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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