yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
