So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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