I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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