You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize