Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
