i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
