I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The air taste purple.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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