You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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