I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
