I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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