It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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