You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
