I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
