He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize