I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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