I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
