It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no you cant smoke seaweed
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
