you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
