I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
