Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
