I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
