see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
