i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
