Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
