you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
