Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
