There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
