You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
