In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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