The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He did a backflip because drugs
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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