Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He shit in the fireplace
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
