Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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