I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
