I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
