why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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