I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
These tits shall not be calmed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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