Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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