Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
