So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
