I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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