Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
