Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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