Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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