theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
