It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
