i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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