so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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