Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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