so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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