Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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