Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
