Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
