just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize