Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
