he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
