Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize