I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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