Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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