Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize