Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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