Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
