chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
